The past few months have felt like a whirlwind. I remember back in August when I was faced with breaking my comfortable routine with Mike and moving into a year of basically living a single girl's life, despite the fact that I had a very serious boyfriend whom would be living 626.5 miles away. I remember feeling very lonely and writing about what I was cooking or the things I was learning about my students so that I could remember the ways in which I felt happy on a fairly regular basis. It felt like it would be forever until May when the academic year ended and Mike and I could move on with whatever was going to come next.
Then suddenly it was the end of January, a month into the new year having flown by because I was on an extended winter break doing pretty much only fun things like getting engaged and visiting friends and planning the wedding. Job opportunities arose and I faced the reality of having to snap back into hardcore graduate student mode, no longer pretending that my part-time job as a lecturer was my primary work in life. I delved into my research and had very busy days, but I ultimately still had down time at the end of the day. And now I'm finished with collecting data, and while that used to seem like most of the battle, I've now realized how daunting it can be to try and make sense of it all, of an entire graduate school career's worth of knowledge in a perfectly organized 75-page paper. Can't the personal knowledge gained just be enough? No, no it can't. And I know that. That's how academia works. And that's why going to graduate school for personal curiosity lead me through an intense reflection of what I wanted and didn't want and the things that make me feel happy and fulfilled.
I'm about a month away from graduating. I feel incredibly annoyed every time I get an email about purchasing a cap and gown. Are you kidding me? I just survived four years of intense work and research and self-discovery and you think I care about prancing around in a cap and gown? No, not in the least. That's what high school and college graduation ceremonies were for. I know better now. I just want my degree, the single piece of paper I'll probably ever be most grateful to have, thank you. And then it's time to hit the road.
I have been trying to fill all of my spare time with school work and thesis writing, but, I know better now. I always carve out a little time to read my Feedly, to read about what all of you other brave people are doing. Reading the hilarious, thoughtful, incredibly honest words of others has done something to me: it's made me feel like I don't need to write. Because you all have already written it, you've already expressed how it feels, and when I read your words I feel relieved that other people understand. That other people feel fulfilled by weekend brunches and spending quality time with their friends, that other people feel lost and escape a daunting task or their stress by baking something over the top and super chocolate-y . That other people burst into tears over something silly, because it's never really about that something silly, is it?
So, thank you, Hannah, Annie, Joy, Sara, Liz, RA, and Janssen. For the time to reflect and the ability to feel connected.
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